Your 2018 St. Louis Cardinals Postseason Awards and Superlatives

If the Cardinals aren’t going to win many national awards, we’ll make our own.

The entire country centers their attention around the coasts. There’s East Coast Bias and West Coast Bias, but there’s no Midwest Bias… until now.

If the Baseball Writers of America want to leave Matt Carpenter off their list of NL MVP’s, and if the managers and coaches are going to keep Kolten Wong from winning a Gold Glove, then we’ll just go ahead and drop our OWN awards for this season.

So here are some awards for Cardinals ONLY.

MVP – Most Valuable Player

Matt Carpenter

This guy had a career year. And if you take away his rough start to the season, he’s probably even better. He only finished 9th in N.L. MVP voting. But on our list (and in our hearts), he’s #1.

MVB – Most Valuable Biceps

Tyler O’Neill

Have you seen this guy’s biceps? That question was rhetorical, because you really can’t miss them. His arms are Clydesdale thighs.

Manager of the Year Named Mike

Mike Shildt

There were only a select few who were eligible for this award, but even still, Mike Matheny finished last.

Gold Glove Award

Kolten Wong

Since MLB won’t give him one, we will. No one flashed the leather better than that flying’ Hawaiian at 2nd base. He saved a lot of runs – and at times, games – with his defensive web gems. We won’t snub you here, K-Dub.

Just promise you won’t celebrate this award with a Gatorade cooler dump attempts.

Gold Oven Mitt Award

Matt Carpenter 

This award is a lot like a Gold Glove, except it looks more like an oversized mitten. This year’s award goes to Matt Carpenter, for the delicious salsa he not only fed the team with, but also – thanks to Shnucks – fed most of the city with. He had an incredible year at the dish, and the literal dish.

Gold’s Gym Award

Tyler O’Neill

Seriously. The next time this guy skips arm day will be his first.


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Brightest Future

Jack Flaherty

The flashes this kid showed this year proved he’s heading down a road full of success. A 3.34 ERA with 182 strikeouts as a rookie? He’s the kind of guy who gets a 34 on his ACT… as a high school freshman.

Brightest Compression Sleeve

Marcell Ozuna

He must have to recharge that thing between innings. It doesn’t glow in the dark, it prevents the dark.

Best Hair

Harrison Bader

This one could’ve also gone to Miles Mikolas, but since Hair is literally part of Bader’s name, that gave him the edge.

Cy Young Award

Miles Mikolas

This dude was the workhorse for the entire season. A 2.43 ERA, 146 strikeouts, and one incredibly glorious mustache.

Cy DeJong Award

Paul DeJong

There was really only one person this award could go to, and really, there’s no basis for the award other than it just being a punny.

Most Likely To Succeed

Dexter Fowler

Because frankly, there’s no where else for him to go but up.

He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better. He will get better.

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Most Likely To Suck Seeds

Michael Wacha

When Marcell Ozuna throws them at him, mid-interview.

Hulk Aaron Award

Tyler O’Neill

This award is a lot like the Hank Aaron Award, except it just goes to the person with the biggest muscles. And wouldn’t ya know it? It’s Tyler O’Neill again.

He is what the kids call, “yoked.”

Most Mispronounced Name

Yairo Muñoz

Is it pronounced Y-AYE-RO? Is it pronounced JY-RO? Is it pronounced Greg? Who knows? Well, true Cardinals fans and P.A. announcer John Ulett know. Yairo is Dominican, but he feels Greek. Because like a gyro, you’ll hear it pronounced a number of different ways. Just like Gravois.

Least Mispronounced Name

John Gant

Yeah, that one’s pretty simple.

Reliever of the Year

The Month of August

The best save of the year goes to the month of August when the Cardinals went 22-6, because without it, this season would’ve been a lot more boring. Sure, the Birds didn’t make the postseason, but this month helped things be a lot more interesting and fun going into the final month of the season. Plus, who else was going to win this award? The bullpen was… well… ummm… I gotta go.

What awards do you got? Comment below with your ideas.

Follow Austin on Twitter: @AustinHuff

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