The Top Four: College Football Week 3

There were some college football games this weekend. Let’s hit the top four things…

College football is the best. And I mean it when I say that. Sure, there are other great things in the world that are great, like tax refunds, pink Starbursts, TSA pre-check, getting two items out of the vending machine when you only paid for one, new car smell, and HBO’s Succession. But college football is better than all of those things.

Here are my top 4 from the weekend…

(header photo: Associated Press)

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Penn State 17, Pittsburgh 10

This rivalry is the epitome of a bigger brother with a longer reach holding out his hand on his younger brother’s head while the younger brother swings and swings but can’t land a punch because his arms aren’t long enough.

It’s not very often a team blows-out a team by 7 points, but that’s exactly what this game was… a blow-out. Pitt didn’t score in the second half, and the only time they came close, they got the ball for a first and goal from the 1-yard line with less than 5 minutes left. They proceeded to throw an incomplete pass, have their quarterback stopped for no gain, and another incomplete pass before lining up for a field goal.

A field goal.

I can’t stress this enough: A FIELD GOAL.

Less than 5 minutes in a game where they couldn’t score in the second half. The decided to cut Penn State’s one-score lead down to a one-score lead?

But here’s the kicker… (pun somewhat intended)

They MISSED it.

An attempted field goal from the one-yard-line, and they missed it. Hashtag college kickers at it’s absolute best. On the bright side, at least it gave us an all-time Narduzzi Face:

Pittsburgh should get an extra point or two for officially going back to their Dan Marino-era uniforms. Those things are dope.

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Eastern Michigan 34, Illinois 31

Woof. I hated to see this. There are few things I want in college football more than for Lovie Smith and his glorious beard to have success in Champaigne. Why? Because he’s the only college football head coach who looks like he just left a casting call for the reboot of Disney’s The Santa Clause.

Although, for as great as Lovie’s beard is — and I cannot stress this enough, it’s arguably the best one since ZZ Topp — the outfit of Eastern Michigan’s head coach Chris Creighton might’ve been even better.

This is what happens when you have a game at 3:30p, but have to work a shift at Jiffy-Lube at 6:30p.

I’m the kind of guy who loves it when coaches where full suits on the sidelines, but I think I love it even more when they wear full jumpsuits on the sidelines. I didn’t watch this entire game, but I’m assuming Creighton had to wipe oil off his hands with a dirty rag before checking his play sheet, right?

Being upset at home to Eastern Michigan was really the first let down for this year’s Illini squad, but allow it to serve as a reminder to replace your air filter every 15,000 miles.

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Kansas State 31, Mississippi State 24

You know that infamous picture of Alex Rodriguez making out with himself in the mirror? That was pretty much this game in picture form.

Kansas State is the Mississippi State of the Big 12. Or is it Mississippi State is the Kansas State of the SEC? I’m not sure. All I know is these two teams could’ve swapped jerseys at halftime and I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed.

Props to the Big 12 on getting an SEC win though. Just know that these kind of wins come with built-in excuses from the SEC die-hards. You’ll probably get something like “We barely consider Mississippi State to be in the SEC” or “Oh wow, you beat Mississippi State, congratulations. What? You want a cookie?” But had you lost this game, you wouldn’t have heard the end of it. And by “it” I mean the “S-E-C!” chant.

Plus, this game gave us this clip of K-State sending Mississippi State QB Garrett Shrader being sent into the stratosphere:

Jeopardy answer:  Interstellar, The Astronaut Farmer, and the Mississippi State game from Saturday.

[buzzes in] “What are movies about country boys getting shot into space?”

Honestly, this is the most aggressive form of parkour I’ve ever seen. The dude went spinning right round, like a record, baby, right round, right round. Elon Musk was jealous of just how deep into orbit this poor kid got. Forget Space-X… he should be investing in Space-K State.

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Tennessee 45, Chattanooga 0

In probably one of the most shocking upsets of the day, Tennessee beat Chattanooga.

I’m not going to draw assumptions here, but I’m willing to bet Terrell Owens’ alma-mater got a little too cocky. They probably felt like they’d be able to stroll into Neyland Stadium and walk all over the Vols… like Georgia State and BYU did in the previous two weeks.

But nope.

This feel-good story known as the 2019 Tennessee Vols were able to overcome the adversity of being the 2019 Tennessee Vols and beat Chattanooga. It’s like the old saying goes: if at first you don’t succeed at home against an FCS program, and at second you don’t succeed at home against an Independent, dust yourself off and try, try again… against an even crappier team from 2-hours down I-75 south.

I’m willing to bet Disney has already purchased the rights. Good for you, Vols!

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