Below you’ll find a wish list for the three major St. Louis sports teams. Seeing as how you continue to make the Kardashians’ wishes come true, I find it hard to believe you won’t be able to come through on at least some of the items on this list.
Anthony Stalter, on behalf of St. Louis Sports Fans
10. Buy-in for the Blues
This isn’t really for us – we’re putting it on our list for Ken Hitchcock. He’s been asking for it almost weekly for three years so we thought we’d try to help him out. We’re not sure where you find it. Costco maybe? That place has everything. Start there.
9. A right guard and a center for the Rams
With all due respect to Scott Wells and Davin Joseph (I said with all due respect), if the Rams are going to continue to be a run-first team under Jeff Fisher, we’re going to need a few more big nasties in the middle of the team’s offensive line. You gave five solid offensive linemen to Jerry Jones over the past few years and we know for a fact that dude hasn’t always been good. We’re only asking for two offensive linemen. Don’t make us break out the photos of Jerry, Santa.
8. For Jason Heyward to re-discover his 2012 stroke
We can’t thank you enough for delivering Jason Heyward a little early to us this year. We didn’t even mind too much having to part with a mint condition Shelby Miller to make the swap. As long as you’re in a giving mood, is there any way you can have Heyward hit like he did in 2012 this upcoming season?
Understand that we like the Heyward model, but we’re just looking for the 2012 make. The 27-home run, 82-RBI, 21-stolen base make. That version would look perfect in the sixth spot this year.
7. More Home Runs for the Cards
Seeing as how the Cardinals have made it to the NLCS four straight years, we’re almost embarrassed to ask for anything more when it comes to our baseball team. And trust us, we love the 21 home runs we got from Jhonny Peralta last year to go along with the 20-plus we usually get from Matt Holliday. But come on Santa, you’re holding out on us when it comes to Matt Adams. There’s more dingers in that jumbo jet than you gave us last year. In exchange for more long balls, taters, bombs, blasts, pokes, salamis and big flys, we’d be happy to part with some of our opposite field singles to make this happen. We’ve got plenty of those lying around.
6. Amari Cooper
What do you mean snowball’s chance in hell? We don’t care how impossible an Amari Cooper is to find – just make it happen. He’ll look great paired with No. 3 on this list.
5. A Healthy 2015 for Michael Wacha
As kind as the baseball gods have been to our baseball team over the years, they’ve also enjoyed giving us ulcers when it comes to the health of our pitchers. This past season we lost Michael Wacha for essentially three months. In 2011, it was Adam Wainwright. In 2012, it was Chris Carpenter. In 2013, it was Jaime Garcia. In 2012, it was also Garcia. In 2011, it was also Garcia. (We know, the baseball gods have some sick infatuation with Garcia – we can’t explain it either, but it’s disgusting what they’ve done to the guy.) Anyway, all we’re asking for is a healthy 2015 for Wacha. With Shelby Miller now in Atlanta, it’s more important than ever that our rotation stays intact for 2015. At some point the minor league pitching depth has to dry up, so please, tell the baseball gods to leave Wacha alone. They can have Garcia again if it means Wacha stays upright. (We’re kidding! We’re kidding. But not really. Garcia for Wacha.)
4. Another Goal Scorer for the Postseason
Trust us, we love Vladdy Tarasenko. The kid is a superstar and we know he’ll continue to be instant offense the rest of the season. But you gave our neighbors up north Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane, so we don’t mind being greedy. The regular season goals are nice but what we’re looking for is another goal scorer to pair with Tarasenko for the playoffs. Now, we’re not unreasonable. We know Costco doesn’t sell playoff goal scorers and we don’t want to see you have to make some shady deal on Craigslist to grant this wish. All we’re asking is that once the Blues reach the playoffs, somebody like Jaden Schwartz gets hot. Like real hot. Or maybe Alexander Steen. Or David Backes. Whatever, dealer’s choice.
3. A Quarterback for the Rams
And not a cheap knock-off like Tarvaris Jackson or something. We want the real thing. And one that preferably won’t break after only a handful of uses, either. We appreciate the last one you got us but unfortunately the good times didn’t last. We’d prefer a model that’s 6’5″ with a laser rocket arm that can see the entire field and make it rain just as easily in Santa Clara as it does in Seattle. We’re talking about a bona fide, fourth-quarter comeback machine that doesn’t need a whole lot of assembly because we want to play with it, like, yesterday. No Ikea QB’s. In fact, if you get us one of these then you don’t have to bother with anything else on this wish list involving the Rams. Outside of No. 2. We definitely want No. 2.
2. A New Stadium for the Rams
Don’t screw around with us on this one Santa, emotions are running high. We get this, and we’re square for years.
You hear us? Years. (We’d also accept the Rams staying in St. Louis sans new stadium, but we’re shooting for both if it’s not too much trouble.)
1. A Cup for the Blues
We know other little boys and little girls across two continents are asking for the same thing for their teams. But it’s been 46 seasons, Santa. How many times are you going to lug that Cup to Chicago, L.A., Boston or Detroit? Does the GPS in that sleigh of yours only know four destinations? How about updating that sumbitch once in a while? Sorry, we’re just frustrated. That’s what never winning for 46 seasons will do to a fan base. Don’t get us wrong, we’re grateful for how much talent is on the current team. But how many times can we celebrate great regular seasons only to watch everything break perfectly for our most hated rivals? We’ve been good, Santa. Hook us up this year. We’ve been waiting awhile.