This morning on Mike & Mike, the boys revisited a late July ESPN.com Page 2 piece, 20 things that make you a doofus.
Sadly, your humble talk show host fails miserably in the quiz. I didn’t know it at the time, and I have grown up, but I was, indeed, a doofus.
Here are the items, and my personal transgressions.
1) Wearing a team jersey inscribed with your name. Me: 81-82 Blues. 19 years old. I thought it was cool, and they didn’t have anyone wearing my favorite number, 27. I have evolved, having worn the jersey only jokingly since 1983. But still, guilty.
2) Owning wild-card paraphernalia. Me: not guilty. No Rams, Blues or Cards wild card stuff. I do have a 2003 Rams division champs hat and shirt, bought on clearance. Otherwise, you have to win a league championship for me to wear it.
3) Shooting an air ball in a promotional contest. Me: never been in the contest, which is good. Because the odds of an air ball would be pretty high.
4) Wearing a Bluetooth during a game. Me: I think wearing a Bluetooth at all makes you a doofus. So, no.
5) Going crazy over giveaway T-shirts in $500 seats. Me: I would be guilty. I’d dive for the shirt, no question. I don’t think about WHERE I’m sitting. It’s about the shirt.
6) Wearing a cycling jersey while riding your bike. Me: no, no and NO. I look upon this, combined with whipping around Creve Coeur Lake at 40 mph, as the ultimate doofus behavior. YOU AREN’T LANCE ARMSTRONG! Slow down and wear normal clothes.
7) Proposing via JumboTron. Me: haven’t. Won’t. But, back in the day, I might have. I will plead guilty, as Jimmy Carter did, to committing that sin in my heart. But, from a pure, technical standpoint, I’m not guilty.
8) Being too cool for the kiss-cam. Me: Probably would be. Sorry. Guilty.
9) Putting team flags on your car. Me: Guilty. Only during the playoffs, though. And, for tailgating Sunday.
10) Wearing baseball pants to play slo-pitch softball. Me: Guilty. Compounding the issue: co-ed softball. What a doofus. But, I haven’t played in more than 20 years, so I think I’m safe through the statute of limitations.
11) Running in a rainstorm. Me: haven’t run since the 600 during the Presidential Physical Fitness test in sixth grade. I’m innocent here.
12) Getting a team or player themed tattoo. Me: no chance. Scared. Don’t drink enough.
13) Waving to TV cameras. Me: Got on ABC’s Good Morning America during the 1985 World Series. Wore red afro wig to Royals Stadium and the cameras naturally picked us up in the sea of blue. Yes, I did it hoping to get on TV. OK, I’m guilty.
14) Having an intense fantasy sports discussion at an actual game. Me: Guilty. Many times. But, I don’t keep my laptop on my fantasy football scores in the pressbox, like a certain Cliff Saunders. But, I am guilty of having that discussion.
15) Leaving stickers and tags on caps. Me: Guilty. It’s stupid, I know. I’ve done it rarely. But sometimes those stickers are cool.
16) Beating a kid for an autograph or baseball. Me: No chance. Wouldn’t do it. Don’t do autographs. Wouldn’t risk the injury of the baseball scrum.
17) Wearing dated rival-mocking T-shirts. Me: If wearing Cubs 1984 Champions T-shirt counts, then I’m guilty. Cubs fans thought they were going to be champions, but thanks to Steve Garvey and Leon Durham, they lost to San Diego. If I can mock the Cubs or Red Wings, I will. Guilty.
18) Proclaiming special mastery of scoreboard games. Me: Well, I know their tricks, and I’m always right. Does that mean I’m guilty? OK. Guilty.
19) Wearing prep throwback jerseys of current players. Me: I have a hard enough time wearing current jerseys of current players. Not guilty.
20) Holding a sign with network call letters. Me: When I wore the red afro, I MIGHT have had an ABC sign. The statute of limitations says not guilty. Technically, I am.
So there you have it. 20 things that make you a doofus, and your friendly neighborhood 101 ESPN Fast Lane host has, in his lifetime, been guilty of twelve of the twenty things that make you a doofus. So, when you call in or text in today, you may refer to me as, doofus.